Skillful Means

By Raylene Abbott

     Skillful means is a Buddhist term. The meaning of the term includes the capacity of speaking your truth with eloquence and compassion. This is sometimes easier said then done. But if you are on the path of developing yourself into a compassionate human being, then skillful means is something we all need to cultivate.

     We all have relationships in life and the true spiritual test is not about how many mantras we say or how long we meditate. The true test is how we treat the people in our lives. Many times we are in relationships and we see the truth of someone else’s dilemma. However, it is the style of how we deliver our truth that determines if we can be efficient in helping another person.

     This is when you have to take a deep breath and determined the situation before you. You need to reflect on your own motivations for speaking your truth.  Sometimes people deliver the truth in such a way that it is hurtful and can cause deep emotional pain to another. We all have experienced this in our life one time or another, when the truth is used as a weapon. This type of truth speaking is often said in the heat of an argument.

     When truth is used without skillful means, it can create a rupture in relationships and both parties will be lost in reactivity.  All of us have experienced situations like this in communication with others.

     When we use the truth we have to temper it with loving compassion.  If we view another person’s suffering, and especially if that suffering starts to affect our own life, then we need to make some very clear decisions of how we are going to speak our truth. We are required to be like a skilled surgeon with a knife. We know that we have to perform a cut on the patient’s body so there can be ultimate healing. If we cut to deeply or to quickly the operation can be fatal.   This is when we have to calculate the incision we are going to make.  Now some people will not even want to have the operation. We will sum up their situation and realize they are not ready for the truth we have to deliver. In this case we walk away. This does not always work, because sometimes the relationship will call for you to say your truth and make your boundaries if you are being subjected to abusive behavior.

     What we all need to explore as we develop compassionate human behavior is how to say the truth so that it can be received and synthesized by another. If truth cannot be received and processed by another, then our words are lost in space.  The object of truth telling should be to bring healing to any given situation.

     When we remember that everyone before us is a mirror of some aspect of ourselves, then it is much easier to apply a dose of compassion with our truth speaking.  When we need to speak the truth to someone here are a few things to remember:

     Look for right timing. Do not blurt out the truth to make the other person lose face in a group of people. 

     Watch for the person to be in a receptive moment to receive the truth you want to share. If some one is not emotionally available in the moment your words will not fall into an open mind.  Also observe your tone of voice and the style of delivery.

     As I have said before this is easier said then done.  Sometimes in my own life I am looking for that perfect moment only to find I have suppressed my truth. And when it does come out it comes along with the emotions of suppression.

These are all stepping-stones on the journey of developing our compassion as we balance truth in our personal situations. May truth prevail but may we coat it with honey so it can go in smoothly.